Friday, September 08, 2006

笑话 joke

换靴子

某人有一双厚底靴和一双薄底靴。一天早晨,他错将一只厚底靴和一只薄底靴穿在脚上。他出门去办事,走在路上只觉得一只脚高,一只脚低,非常不舒服。他诧异地说:"真奇怪,今天我的腿怎么变得一长一短了?"
路上有人提醒他说:"你是穿错了靴子啦。"
他听了这话,急急忙忙回家去换靴子。可是,他到家一看,想了一想:"不用用换啦,家里的也是一厚一薄。"

Not a Pair Either

A man had two pairs of boots, one with thick soles and the other with thin soles. One morning, he made the mistake of putting one of each of the boots on. While walking, he felt very uncomfortable. "How strange! How is it that my legs aren't the same length today?" He said to himself in surprise.
A passer-by told him, "your boots aren't a pair."
Hearing this he hurried home to change boots. But when he got home and saw the other boots, he thought for a moment and said, "There's no need to change. These other two are not a pair either. One is thick and the other thin."

不公平

有一个懒汉,什么事情也不想干,只好守在家里喝西北风。时间一天天地过去了,为了填饱肚子,他不得不打算找个轻活儿干干。
一天,有人向他建议:"去看守坟地吧!再也没有比这更轻松地活儿了。"
那懒汉高高兴兴地上工了,但不多久他就辞职了。他逢人便发牢骚:"太不公平了!他们全都躺在地上,偏偏让我一个人站着!"

Unfair
Once upon a time there was a lazy fellow who didn't want to work, and stayed home only to suffer from cold and hunger. As time went by he knew he had to find a job, hopefully an easy one, in order to support himself.
One day someone said to him," Go to the graveyard! Indeed, there is no easier work to be found."
So the fellow happily went to work, but he soon quit, grumbling to everyone he met, "It's too unfair! They're all lying down, while I have to stand there by myself."


借牛

某人想向一个财主借牛,于是派仆人给财主送去一封借牛的信。财主正陪着客人,怕客人知道自己不识字便装模作样的看信。他一边看,一边不住的点头,然后抬头对来人说:"知道了,过一会儿我自己去好了。"

Borrowing a Cow
A man once wanted to borrow a cow from a wealthy man, so he had his servant send a note to the wealthy man. The rich man, who was entertaining some guests, took the note and ashamed to be taken as an illiterate, pretended to be able to read it. When reading it he nodded his head repeatedly.
"I know," the rich man said to the messenger, "I'll go myself in a moment."


明年同岁

杂货商新添了一女儿,一天,朋友来给她的小千金*说媒*,讲明对方只比女孩大一岁。
商人与妻子私下商量这门亲事,他说,"女儿刚满周岁#,而那男孩已经两岁了,比女儿大了一倍。等到女儿二十岁出嫁时,他该有四十岁了。我们怎能忍心让闺女¥嫁给这么一老头子呢?
他的妻子笑了笑说:"你真够本的!现在我们的女儿一岁,明年他不就同那个男孩同岁了吗?"
*千金:尊称别人的女儿。Arespectful form of address for another person's daughter.
*说媒:中国古代有幼年定亲的习俗,称"娃娃亲"。In ancient China, there was a custom to settle a marriage when one was still very young, called "a baby marriage。"
*周岁:一岁。One year old.
*闺女:daughter

The Same Age Next Year
A grocer once had a daughter born to him. One day a friend of his made a match for his baby-girl, and told him the future husband was only one year older than she was.
The grocer discussed this marriage in private with his wife. "Our daughter is just one, the boy's age is the double of hers; when she is twenty and gets married, her husband will be forty," he said " How do we have the heart to marry off our daughter to such an old husband?"

His wife smiled and said, "you're really dumb. Our daughter is now one year old, in one years time she'll be the same age as the boy, now won't she?"

称心如意

有两个青年同时向一家闺女求婚。一个青年住村东,长得丑但富有;另一个住村西,长得俊却贫寒。姑娘家的父母想先听听女儿的意见。
姑娘对婚姻大事心乱如麻,思考了好一阵,她终于有了一个好主意。
她羞羞答答地对母亲说:"那两个青年人的求婚,我都愿意接受。"
母亲一听,直摇头说:"闺女,那可不行。"
姑娘回答:"娘!行啊!我想最好在村东家吃饭,在村西家睡觉。这样才称心如意啊!"

After My Own Heart
Once there were two young men, who went together to make an offer of marriage to a girl. One of them, who lived in the east of the village,was ugly but rich;the other, who lived on the west side of the same village, was handsome but poor.The girl's parents asked for the opinion of their daughter.
The girl was puzzled about the marriage.Having pondered for some time, the girl came up with a good idea.
"I'll accept both proposals," she said to her mother shamefacedly.
"That won't do, my girl," the mother said.

"Yes it will, mother dear,"the girl said,"I can have dinner in the east,and live in the west.That is just what my heart desires!"


不识镜

从前,有一少妇从来没有照过镜子。一天,她男人买了一面镜子给她。照镜时,她大惊失色,急忙跑去向婆婆告状。
她抱怨说:"看你的儿子又领了一个新媳妇来家了!"
婆婆惊讶地问:"真有这回事吗?我去看看。"当老太婆面对镜子时,她也感到迷惑不解,低声说:"这到底是怎么一回事?新媳妇的娘怎么也一块儿来了呢?"


Not Knowing of The Mirror
The story goes that there was a young woman who didn't know what a mirror was. One day her husband bought one for her.While looking in the mirror she was surprised and hurriedly ran to tell her mother-in-law.
"Your son has brought a new wife home!"the woman complained.
"Really ?" the old woman asked surprisedly."Let me have a look." As soon as she faced the mirror, the old woman became perplexed and confused too."Now what's all this about?" She murmured. "The bride's mother has come too!"



卖狗

有一天,一家宠物店里来了一位老先生,手里牵者一条大狗。只见那狗长长的毛,短短的腿,爱流鼻涕鼻涕,却没有尾巴,样子十分难看。
"老爷子,您早。"宠物店的老板问道:"啥事?"
"卖狗。"
店老板看了看狗,摇了摇头说: "对不起。我可不能买这条狗。再说了,要是我买下这只狗,也卖不掉。"
"为啥?它爱干净,懂礼貌又没病。"
"老爷子,您看看,它没尾巴,腿短,毛又太长,谁愿意买这劳什子。"
"咳,说得对。可它会说话呀。"
"它会说话?说来听听。"
"可不是吗,它的普通话、方言土语、英语、日语说得都很溜。"
这时候,狗答腔了: "先生,这话不假。我是天底下最会说话的狗了。我去过美国,与住在白宫的布什总统喷过;我也去过英国,与那里的女王唠过;我还到过日本,和日本的天皇侃过。先生,买下我吧。这人对我太差劲。他总是虐待我,给我干不完的活儿,却不给我吃饱饭,从不陪我溜达,也不给我洗澡。有时,他让我单独在家有好几个星期,我难受死了。请您买下我,再给我找个好人家吧。求您了。"
店主人很难相信听到的话,他问老先生:"真是奇怪。您说得对,它确实是条会说话的狗。但是,您得说清楚了,为啥要卖它呢?"
"实不相瞒,它老是撒谎,我快烦死了。"那人说道。



Dog for Sale

An old man walked into a pet shop one day with a large and very ugly dog.
It had long hair, short legs, no tail and a very wet nose.
"Good morning, sir," the owner of the pet shop said. "How can I help you?"
"I want to sell this dog."
The pet shop owner looked at the dog and shook his head.
"I’m sorry. I can’t give you anything for that animal. No one will want to buy him."
"Why not?" asked the man. "He’s clean, well-behaved and healthy."
"Look at him, sir," said the pet shop owner. "He hasn’t got a tail, his legs are too short and his hair’s too long. Who would want to buy such a dog?"

"Well, I guess you’re right," the man said. "But he can talk."
"What do you mean he can talk?" the pet stop owner asked.
"Yes, he can speak perfect Mandarin (普通话), different Chinese dialects, English and Japanese as well. Just listen," the man answered.
The dog then spoke.
"It’s true, sir," he said. "I am the world’s greatest talking dog. I’ve been to America and talked to the President Bush at the White House in Washington. I’ve talked to the Queen of England and the Emperor of Japan. Please buy me, sir. This man is very cruel to me. He makes me work too hard and doesn’t feed me very well. He never takes me for a walk or gives me a bath. Sometimes he leaves me alone for weeks. I’m so unhappy, sir. Please buy me and find a good home for me."
The pet shop owner could hardly believe what he was hearing.
"That’s amazing ," he said. "You’re right. He is a talking dog. But tell me, why do you want to sell him?"
"Because I’m tired of all his lies," the man said.


汤姆的借口

老师:汤姆,您为什么每天上学迟到?
汤姆:我每次路过拐角,一个路标上面写着:"学校----慢行。"

TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow".


你爸爸帮你了吗?

一天,蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业,发现他全做对了。老师很高兴,同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说:"蒂姆,你这次的作业全都做对了,怎么回事?你爸爸帮你做了吗?"
"不,先生,我爸爸昨天很忙,我不得不全由自己做了。"

DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU?
One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"
"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim.


没把头发全剪掉啊!

  麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发,但这是违反办公室规定的:职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天,正当麦尔斯理发时,经理碰巧也进来理发,而且就坐在他旁边。
  "你好,麦尔斯,"经理说。"我看到你在上班时间理发了。"
  "是的,先生。正是这样。"麦尔斯平静地承认了。"可先生,你看,头发是在上班时间长的。"
  "不全都是吧,"经理立刻说,"有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。"
"对呀,先生,你说得很对。"麦尔斯礼貌地回答说,"但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。"

I'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF.
Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."
"Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."

我可以回家了

一天,放学以后,老师对他的学生们说:"明天上午,如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题,我就准许他或她最先回家。"第二天,老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟,他非常生气的问:"谁涂的?请站起来!"鲍勃说:"先生,是我,现在我可以回家了,再见!"

I CAN GO HOME.
One day after school the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home
earlier." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up!" "It's me," said Bob, "Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir."

想做坏梦

  在期末考试之前,汤姆告诉他的母亲:"妈妈,我昨天晚上做了一个梦,梦见我通过了今天的考试。""不要相信梦,亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。"妈妈答道。"那么,我真希望在今晚的梦中,我的其他功课都不及格。"汤姆说。

I WANT A NIGHTMARE
Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I' passed today's exam." "Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied. "Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects n my dream tonight," Tom said.

买帽子

  一位妇女到一家帽子店买帽子。她很挑剔,用了很长时间才选好了一顶。已经忍耐到极限的售货员害怕她再改变主意,便恭维她:"你做了极好的选择,夫人。你戴上这顶帽子看上去起码年轻十岁!"但令他沮丧的是,这位女士马上摘下了她的帽子说:"我不想要一顶摘下来便使我立刻显得老十岁的帽子。多拿一些帽子给我看看!"

BUYING A HAT
A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!"


钱和朋友

甲:你认为钱和朋友哪一个更重要?
乙:当然是朋友。
甲:为什么?
乙:我总可以从朋友那儿借到钱。

MONEY AND FRIENDS
A: Which do you find more important, money or friends?
B: Friends, of course.
A: Why?
B: I can always borrow money from friends.


几个英语词

法庭上法官正审问一个抢劫犯,由于该犯是一个不会说英语的外国人,审问很困难。"你一点英语都不会说吗?"法官问。"我只会说几个词。"抢劫犯回答。
"你会说哪几个词?"
"你是要钱还是要命!"

ONLY A FEW WORDS
At a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesn't speak English. "Don't you speak English at all?" the judge asks. "Only a few words," replies the mugger.
"What words do you know?"
"Your purse or your life!"


别太自私

一位母亲在劝告她的儿子。
"听着,约翰,别太自私,让你的弟弟和你共用一辆自行车。"
"妈妈,我是让他。我先骑下坡,他再骑上坡。"

DON'T BE SELFISH
A mother is admonishing her son.
----Now, John, don't be selfish. Let your little brother share the bicycle with you.
----But Mother, I do. I ride it down the hill, and he rides it up the hill.


两颗心脏在跳动

护士:手术后你感觉怎样?
病人:十分好,只是我能感觉到我体内有两颗心脏在跳动。
护士:怪不得给你做手术的大夫刚才在到处寻找他的手表。

TWO HEARTS BEATING
Nurse: How do you feel after your operation?
Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me.
Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now.


一个发怒妻子的祈祷

  一个男人因嗜赌而经常回家很晚,为此他妻子从没停止过骂他。一次他因工作很晚回到家后,他妻子指责他又去赌博了,可他发誓说这次是因为工作。"我祈祷上帝你说的是实话,"妻子说。
  "如果我说谎上帝便赐我于死。"
  "那我祈祷上帝你是在说谎。"他妻子充满希望地说。


AN ANGRY WIFE'S PRAYER
A man is so addicted to gambling that he often comes home late. His wife never stops railing at him. Once he is detained at his office and comes home late. His wife accuses him of gambling again but he swears he was detained in his office. "I pray to God that you are speaking the truth", his wife says.
"May God strike me dead if I am lying."
"Then I pray to God that you are lying", his wife said hopefully.


她宁愿买一件礼物

旅途中,妈妈想起她忘记给爸爸买一件生日礼物。"没关系,"他说,"我最想要的东西是你的爱、忠贞和温顺。"妈妈沉思片刻后回答说,"我宁愿给你买一件礼物。"

SHE'D RATHER BUY A GIFT
While on a trip, Mom realized that she had forgotten a present for Dad's birthday. "That's okay," he said, "The only thing I want is for you to love, honor and obey." Mom pondered that idea and then replied "I'd rather buy you a gift."


精力旺盛的妻子

邻居:昨天夜里我听见你家屋前有很大的声音,你们出了什么事吗?
丈夫:没什么。我的妻子有点不高兴,把我的大衣给扔到窗外去了。
邻居:你的大衣?扔掉大衣怎么会有那么大的声音?
丈夫:我......我恰好也在大衣里面。


AN ENERGETIC WIFE
Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?
Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.
Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?
Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.


忠告

  臃肿的销售经理做过常规体检后,正要离开大夫的诊室。“听着,”大夫说,“遵守这个食谱,我希望3个月后再来这儿体检时能见到四分之三的你。”


GOOD ADVICE
The portly sales manager was getting ready to leave his doctor's office after a routine examination. "Here," said the doctor, "follow this diet, and I want to see three-fourths of you back here for a check-up in three months."



三个人

有一个人参观墓地时见到一块墓碑上写着:“在这里安息的是约翰凯利,一个律师,一个诚实的人。”“这是怎么回事!”他叫了起来。“他们在一个坟墓了埋了三个人。”

THREE PEOPLE
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

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